Into the Wild Blue Yonder

Today was my first full day in Riva, although it feels like I've been here for ever, at least getting here felt like it took forever. The school sent almost every one on the same flights, so we could travel as a group. The first flight was from Dulles to London Heathrow. It was about 7 hours in the air, but it was good. We got to London at 6 in the morning, and waited around for three hours to get onto our connecting flight to Milan. I think the waiting was the worst part. The plane was delayed, and so we arrived almost a hour late. Bus took us to Riva, about 45 minutes away from Riva, I was able to sleep, which was good. It was raining, so I didn't get to see much of Riva but what I saw was pretty, and quaint. That last few hours before I passed out in bed were slightly hazy because I had been up for about 24 hours, but I remember the food was good, ceilings decorated, bed comfortable and warm and Villa Maderni as generally beautiful, cold but lovely.
This morning my roommates alarms woke me up in time for breakfast, but I felt like I could have slept for a few more hours. I was able to look out the window and even though it was still raining the view was breathtaking. The Villa faces a road and another Villa across the street, and behind that a the mountains rise up like a wall that touches the sky. Beautiful and intimidating, yet so close its hard to realize what they are unless you concentrate. The main portion of the day was taken up with being introduced to the villa, taught the rules, and talking about how activities are set up. We were given time to walk around the town, most of the group walked to the grocery store and back, it was still miserable so there was no real follow up on the urge to explore. Tomorrow looks to be nicer so hopefully I'll have time to walk through, and explore a little more.
The Villa is very nice, most of the ceilings are decorated with murals of some sort, except on the top floor and the lounge. The Villa was built in 1750, so its like living in one of those historic houses, we have to be careful to wear shoes or slippers in the house, so no bare feet. I thought I would mind as I don't usually like wearing shoes too much, but its been so cold in the villa that I'm kinda glad to be wearing slippers and socks. my favorite room in the house so far is the rec room/lounge. Its on the first floor and has the largest fireplace that I have ever seen, It probably was the kitchen at one point but has been taken over by comfortable couches and chairs, books and games. We have discovered one problem with the room though, when there is a fire in the fire place it gets really smoky, and a window as to be opened. So the room gets really cold, even with the fire and the whole house smells like burning wood.
For th most part the fact that I am in Switzerland and am living here for longer than a week is unreal to me. I have moments were I sit back and say wow, there is no way I am really here. I feel like I'm dreaming, and I'll wake up back at Tech. I'm so excited to start experiencing and exploring. It's going to be an interesting semester, I can tell.

I give thanks

I have been reminded a lot these past weeks that I need to be thankful "grateful" for what I have been given, and what I have been blessed with. That seems to be really hard for me lately. So here is a list of what I am thankful for.

My Family
---Mom, Dad, Sis and Bro--These people have been there for me through everything, and even if I'm scared to tell them how badly I've screwed something up, I know that after the initial outburst, eventually they'll forgive me.
--- My Grandmother(all my grands, but her in particular)-- My Grandfather recently passed away, and it has been hard on all of my family, but especially her. She misses him so much and I'm thankful for her example of love and courage.

My Friends
---The Musketeers--Who even though they feel so far away right now I know I can count on them to bring me fun, adventure and best of all the most amazing company. I miss these chicas more than ever right now, but I know that eventually we'll get together.
---At School--Who deal with me on a regular basis, have learned to put up with my craziness and even knocked me down a notch or two, talked me down off my ledges, and allowed me to meltdown when I needed to. I can honestly say I don't know what I would have done with out you.
---Out of Sight--I know we don't get to see each other often(duh)and our communication is pretty much once every blue moon(usually internet), but I am so joyful that I got to know you, share part of my life with you and learn from you. There has been so much that we haven't been able to share, but that's how things worked out. Not everything can be perfect, and we can't hold on to old friends forever, but when I do hear from you, you bring me such joy.

Just random thanks:
---My brother has a job.
---Sara is having a baby.
---Suzanne is getting married.
---My life could be worse.
---So could my grades.
---The universe is not fair.(I am very thankful for that)
---Grace is not fair.


Who do people thank if they don't believe in God?

words can not express

This week has turned into one of the hardest I've had to deal with yet. I'm not sure how to talk about what happened here, or how to express my feelings about it. I feel like I am detached from the whole ordeal, like I'm watching from outside, and really only have distant sympathy for those involved. And then I feel violated, my home, my campus, my family has been raped. Both these feelings come in waves, and in between I feel normal, like Monday didn't happen. I am sad, but I understand that this will change, and I can't feel sad any more. I understand that God had his plan in this, but I can't see it right now, He was there, He is in everything, but I don't see the sense in this. I didn't know any one who died, I had class with a few of them, but never knew them. It's been a hard week for me, and I'm not dealing with nearly as much as others. Thursday I went to UVA to hang out, relax, and just think. It was a good trip, I think it made what happened a little less distant. I don't understand everything that has been going on this week, and even this year. I'm worried about school, I haven't been able to concentrate on work much this week and I have a lot to do to finish out the semester with good grades. It's been good to be back on campus and talk with people, see how they are dealing with this. I don't think anything will ever be the same again here, or for the classes that were here when it happened. I feel for the Freshmen here, they have had on hell of a year, slightly symmetrical in character, but that doesn't make it easier, especially because they haven't really laid down deep roots here yet. It makes me sad to think that some student who might have come to Tech will decide not to because of what has happened. Classes start tomorrow which I am glad about, and also anxious, I still have to decide how I am going to finish this semester. We'll see how tomorrow goes and then decide. Please continue to pray for the Faculty, Staff and students as we all continue to attempt to deal with what has happened. Through God's strength "we will prevail." We are Virginia Tech.

4 16 VT

Its really hard to know where to begin, or what to say. I've had one song going through my head during this whole time. Its one of my favorite RUF hymns that I've done.

1. For all the saints,
who from their labors rest,
Who Thee by faith
before the world confessed,
Thy Name, O Jesus,
be forever blessed.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

2. Thou wast their rock,
their fortress and their might;
Thou, Lord, their captain
in the well fought fight;
Thou, in the darkness
drear, their one true Light.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

3. O may Thy soldiers,
faithful, true and bold,
Fight as the saints
who nobly fought of old,
And win with them
the victor's crown of gold.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

4. And when the strife
is fierce, the warfare long,
Steals on the ear
the distant triumph song,
And hearts are brave,
again, and arms are strong.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

5. The golden evening
brightens in the west;
Soon, soon to faithful
warriors comes their rest;
Sweet is the calm
of paradise the blessed.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

Edit: 4/27/07

JR had us sing this song at the last RUF large group of the semester. I cried, it was wonderful, and embarrassing all at the same time. Oh and Congratulations to Corey and Ryan our music team grads!!

Spring Break

So, I've been back at Tech for two weeks. Spring Break was amazing. I went to Bay St. Louis, Mississippi with a group of RUF kids. We stayed at a church there called Lagniappe Presbyterian Church. We worked on a house about 10-15 minutes from the church. We did the roof, the whole group,there were about twenty-five of us, it was a large roof. The work was hard, and also slightly mindless. There were points when more than half of us had nothing to do because of some of the things that the roof needed. This trip felt different from the others. Maybe because this trip there were less people there that I knew, it might have been the place where we were, it was different. more like a camp and less like a church. This it felt weird and slightly uncomfortable and yet I still enjoyed myself a lot. The people that went were wonderful, it was fun to hang out with them and to work with them. The lady we worked for was very sweet, her daughter and her grandsons were all planning on moving back into the house by August. Hopefully that will happen for them. We weren't able to finish the roof, which was unsatisfying, but I know that anther group has probably already finished it. I guess the trip wasn't what I was expecting, and that makes me dissatisfied with it, but I can also say that it was an awesome time with a lot of good memories.

Psalm 107:23-32

There is always a new begining

Back to school blues coming on this weekend. I'm not sure what to expect from this year. I hope to be busy and study hard, but I can't help but feel that this semester will be just like the last, crazy full of drama and me not doing anything at all. there is no fear of me being very lazy. I have two early morning shifts at work so I'm going to be changing my sleeping habits again. hopefully working out every day, and getting in some serious just me time. I don't like being alone much, but I realized this break how much I missed being able to just curl up and read a book, or dancing around. So hopefully I'll be able to get books from the library and get away from my room a little more often. I'm also hopefully going to visit that crazy group of UVA kids this semester. And Mississippi! I'm really excited about that! I can't wait to get back down there again. It also gives me an excuse to go work-clothes shopping, I think I want a pair of overalls for this trip. but I'm just getting worked up about it so I think I'll stop. I've got 15 credits this semester, they all look to be interesting classes, and I hope to enjoy myself immensely. I think that the biggest change for me this semester is that I'm not in choir(I've been in choir since Freshman year) it's not going to be easy being out of that class, but I feel like a break is a good idea. I'm also looking forward to beginning the next semester of RUF, there is always something interesting or fun to do with the RUF crew. Lots of stuff to do and to try, and hopefully I'll be able to stay focused and have a great semester.

The Twelve Days

Just got home from a crazy three day trip to visit the family in Maryland. It was great to see the relatives again, my cousin's kids are so cute! I'll link pictures here later, but wow are they an amazing bunch of kids. They don't really fuss, at all. we drove up on Tuesday morning, it was a nice relaxing drive, with the rest of my family. I slept a lot, and read a bit and listened to music, it was good. We stayed in a little cheap hotel that was actually fairly nice, despite having no shampoo(I packed light). We had dinner my Aunt and Uncle's house. YUMMY! We stayed there talking and playing Apples to Apples late. My cousin Greg has been gone for the past three years in the Peace Corp, so it was a really fun time talking to him and getting reaquainted with him and meeting his new dog, Moby. Jen and I had our own room at the Hotel and so we stayed up late, oops!! Wednesday was opening presents day. It was so much fun, the kids were hilarious, so fun to watch. After that everybody just did their own thing for a few hours. We had dinner at my Grandparents place, very nice and delicious. It was a good night all around. Today we went to Breakfast at this family-owned farmers market type place, that was good. We spent the morning with the family, ate lunch and played with the kids, then we left. Th ride home was longer than it should have been, we were all grumpy and tired by the end. But it was a great few days... I'm glad to be home though.

Today

watched part of my Christmas present tonight. I've decided that Grey's Anatomy is not to be watched without someone else enjoying it with you. It is too depressing, and emotionally charged for me to be allowed to watch alone. I went to my Doc. appointment today, it was slightly uncomfortable and strange but I did it, finally. I was a little late to work, but got there eventually. We have an ice rink this year, which is fun. I'm going to be working there on Thursday. This is my life, boring normal everyday stuff. I love it, and Hate it all at the same time. I'm in a really weird mood. its not good, I really should get to bed.

Weakness

"I am weak, but the Lord has sought me.I believe but help now my unbelief. I fail and am broken by my continued sinfulness. Have mercy on me, Lord, and grant me favor, for apart from you I can do nothing. Our suffering, our failures,our weaknesses and disappointments all gain an incredible spiritual significance. God never says He'll be glorified in our religious accomplishments. But He does promise that His power will be made perfect in our weakness.(2 Cor 12:9)"

How come this isn't taught more in churches? I haven't heard about this until now. Our weakness makes us more aware of the grace God gives us. I've always thought that as a Christian I have to be strong, not show that I can be wrong or have fault. In order to be a witness to the world I can't show that I am weak, or that I make mistakes. Some bigger than others. How do I over come this ingrained behavior? How do I break down my own walls and show my weaknesses to others? That's a little more vunerability than I'm comfortable in letting people know that much about me, or get that close to me. Last time that didn't turn out so great. To let people get that close, it's not altogether safe. So what do I do?

Intimacy Issues

This makes me laugh.

I love you Mom and Dad. Thank you for your love support and advice, even when sometimes it isn't what I want to hear.

Evanescence

Don't cry to me. If you loved me, You would be here with me. You want me, Come find me.Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall? Lose it all?So maybe you can remember yourself. Can't keep believing, We're only deceiving ourselves. And I'm sick of the lie, And you're too late.

Don't cry to me. If you loved me, You would be here with me. You want me, Come find me.Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame. Sick with shame. Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated, No wonder you're jaded. You can't play the victim this time, And you're too late.

Don't cry to me. If you loved me, You would be here with me. You want me, Come find me.Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober. You only want it cause it's over, It's over.

How could I have burned paradise? How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me. If you loved me, You would be here with me. Don't lie to me, Just get your things.I've made up your mind.

little bit o' this, little bit o' that

I am bored and stuck inside so I decided to update.

Why am I stuck inside you ask? well, since yesterday there has been an escaped inmate, William Morva, on the loose in Blacksburg. The young man shot and killed a hospital security guard and injured the deputy that had accompanied him. The man hunt lasted through the night and this morning Morva shot and killed a deputy sheriff on the Huckleberry Trail. The police responded instantly, evacuating the area along the trail and trying to keep the media and civilians out of harms way. During the morning the police had people calling in sightings of Morva throught the Blacksburg area. Squires Student Center was evacuated and there was a rumor that Morva was inside, however that was untrue. The campus closed down around 10:30, classes were cancelled and students were urged to return to their dorms and remain inside. This is fairly distressing for the first day of classes and I'm hoping that everything is sorted out soon.

All of this Past

Here I go again Slipping further away Letting go again Of what keeps me in place I like it here But it scares me to death There is nothing here The light is beautiful But I’m darker than light And you are wonderful But this moment is mine All of this dust All of this past All of this over and gone And never coming back All of this forgotten Not by me I find comfort here Cos I know what is lost Hope is always fear For the pain it may cost And I have searched for the reason to go on I’ve tried and I’ve tried But it’s taking me so long I might be better off Closing my eyes And God will come looking for me In time All of this dust All of this past All of this over and gone And never coming back All of this forgotten Not by me All of this dust All of this past All of this over and gone And never coming back All of this forgotten Not by me I can see myself I look peaceful and pale But underneath I can barely inhale I can hear myself singing that song Over and over until it belongs to me

back home for the summer. almost can't belIeve that i am not in school, actually had nightmares about missing the first day of classes because i sLept in. its good to be home, but also hard, sleeping patterns have tO change as do eating habits. its just different. work is work, i'm working 6 days this week and i'm not sure i like it. we were fairly short handed today, so i was moVed around as needed, i spent about 2 hours in the gift store, and about 20 minutEs in the carousel, it wasn't too bad, but the scheduling needs to be better so that there isn't just one person at each station, james had to cover for me twice so that i could cover for other people. it was hectic. sis and i went to the doctor the other daY, we both got acne medication and a good dose of liquid nitrOgen, which hUrt like the devil. i'm going to Bed soon, hopefully i'll be able to wake up early enough to go for a walk/jog before work tomorrow. i wonder if I get payed overtime for working on my day off? that would be nIce. missing my friends from school a lot(that means you!) its going to be a Long summer and then again I can feel the days sLipping away faster than I want them to.

I am really looking forward to the summer. I'm gunna miss people from here a lot, But I am ready to go home.

oh and this is a fun comic

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60th Anniversary

So this past week has been one crazy rollercoaster ride. I went home this weekend for my grandparents 60th anniversary celebration. It was a lot of riding in transportation vehicles for two days but it was great to see everybody. I learned a lot about my grandparents that I didn't know before. I better appreciate them as seperate from just my Grandparents. Its so easy when young to forget or even not to realize that your parents and Grandparents are people outside their role towards you. They had a life so seperate from what it is now you can hardly recognize them as who they are today. They weren't always old and grey haired. I think I understand my Grandpa's sense of humor a little better now, I can look at my Grandma and see a mysterious wonderful woman. I understood all of this before now, but this weekend has just driven it home a little more. I think that its sad that just when I am getting old enough to get to know my grandparents better it might be too late. I love you Paka and Beppe.

'Trust' indicates a depth and a sense of assurance that is based on strong but not logically-conclusive evidence, or based on the character, ability, or truth that someone or something has shown over time or across situations. Trust makes for a sense of being safe or of being free of fear, enough so that one's focus can be on other matters because that matter is taken care of. It becomes easier to simply enjoy life.

No human is totally trustworthy.
No human is totally untrustworthy.
No human can always trust themselves.
No human is totally trusting of any one other person.

Trust is a risk. We leave ourselves open for loss. Betrayal of trust hurts so much because the lost sense of security multiplies the damage.

Ok, so I'm not going to post for a while, not that I do very much anyway. just letting you know. I love you Mommy.

I'm tired, oh so tired. and yet I can't bring myself to go to bed at the moment, so I sit and I write to the unsuspecting cyberworld. I've been trying hard to actually go to classes this semester, I'm doing better. I hope. Its getting cold and I'm getting the Annual sore throat. I swear every year! I end up getting a sore throat. Its just very painful, and dry. Sleep is hard to come by when you can't swallow with out feeling pain. any way thats what I'm doing right now. I can't wait for Spring Break!